


With or Without You

by jenajasper



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Episode: s08e23 Sacrifice, Friendship, Happy Ending, Human Castiel, Hurt, Love, M/M, Mention the trials, Mildly Dubious Consent, Sacrifice, Self-Sacrificing Castiel, Sibling Incest, Some Humor, Survivor Guilt, Temporary Character Death
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-06-13
Updated: 2015-06-13
Packaged: 2018-04-04 04:04:56
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 12
Words: 7,924
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4124964
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jenajasper/pseuds/jenajasper
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dean demanded that Castiel send him back to Sam when Naomi told them the truth. The third trial would kill him.<br/>But what if he was too late ?<br/> <br/>There was a price to pay for closing the Gates of Hell but, was life, truly, the ultimate sacrifice ?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

Dean paused at his bedroom door because his thoughts were across the hall. Sam had gone to bed hours ago and Dean was worried. His brother looked pale and drawn. His sleep was erratic. In fact, he was restless even though, he didn’t seem to have enough energy to support it. He barely ate and had fits of hacking coughs, resulting in blood (which he tried to hide), and all this contributed to Dean’s concern. 

They would complete the third trial. It would surely take all that Sam had left. But they would be together and Dean wouldn’t let it go too far. He was still responsible for his little brother, after all. That thought brought a smile to his face but, it was from memory. 

Dean turned and walked into the room across the hall quietly opening the door and peeking in. Sam was in bed, with his back turned, his breathing was slow and steady. Not wanting to disturb him but, at the same time, not wanting to leave his brother alone, Dean stood in the doorway.

He heard his name. It was a small voice reminding Dean of a child who was afraid of the dark. He answered, as Sam turned towards him and sat up in bed.

“Dean, what do you think is gonna happen ?”

Dean knew his brother was looking for an answer other than the one he heard in his own head. 

“We’re gonna kick it in the ass, Sammy, just like we always do.” He smiled as he spoke, not because he really believed what he was saying, even though he wanted to but, he needed Sam to believe it.

Dean slid under the covers and wrapped his arms around the younger Winchester, whose head came to rest on his big brother’s shoulder. He absently ran his hand through Sam’s hair and kissed the top of his head.

They were comfortable in their silence. What was there to say that they didn’t already know? After some time, Sam moved closer and placed a soft kiss in the hollow of his brother’s neck.

“Dean.”, he said. The sound of it was absorbed into Dean’s skin and like a fog, it filled his brain. It had been weeks since he had heard that tone of voice. 

Dean tilted his brother’s face up and kissed him. His tongue sliding across smooth, dry lips, which parted slightly, allowing entrance. Dean could taste mint and it was Sam. He felt a chill, a feeling of goose flesh, as Sam brought his hand up and stroked his face and neck. He realized that his brother’s touch was cold and weak. They were both just so tired. It brought a tear to the surface and he gently pulled away. 

“You really should get some rest , Sammy. I’ll be right here.” He could feel his brother relax in his arms. 

“On one condition.” Sam paused, both for effect, allowing Dean to use his imagination for a minute, and to settle himself so he could go to sleep. He slid down to rest his head on Dean’s chest and wrap his arm around him. Dean kissed his brother’s forehead, as he also settled in, positioning himself so Sam would be more comfortable. 

“So, what is it? What’s the one condition ?” Dean asked, with a smirk.

With sleep overtaking him, Sam finished his comment. “When this is all over, I’m gonna fuck you so hard, your memory foam mattress will remember it. “

The laugh was loud and the hug was strong. And Sam fell asleep happy. 

If only they had known that this would be their last night.


	2. Chapter 2

Dean was still screaming Cas’ name when he found himself back at the church and it was raining. He felt the cool metal of the Impala and knew that Sam was still there. It took just a piece of a second to make the connection that told him that he had gotten there in time. 

Just as quickly, he turned his attention back to the church. As he stepped into the stone entrance way, there was an explosion of bright light, so blinding, Dean had to close his eyes. And, even with that, he still had to turn away and bring his arm up to cover his face.

It was gone in an instant and Dean took another step into the church. Just then, he was hit with a feeling of being pushed back like someone was slamming a door in his face. And just as quickly, it was over and Dean ran into the building calling his brother’s name. 

With the sudden change to darkness, he tripped over a rope or chain and heard metal skitter across the floor. And he had to put his arms out to catch himself as he nearly tumbled over an overturned chair. He could see another chair in the corner and a table had fallen on to its side. There was a small box, its contents scattered across the floor. And there were spots and small pools of blood, some dried, some still wet and shiny. 

He called out again. His eyes adjusting to the darkness helped by the light sifting through the window. He saw that one of the windows was broken and ran over to look outside. There was nothing there but, the ground had obviously been disturbed. Something had gone through this window. Crowley was gone and where was Sam?

Light and movement caught his eye and he looked up to see stars falling to earth? Then it struck him and out loud he said, “The angels, they’re falling”

He called out again to Sam and stepped into the next room. He saw his brother on the floor, lying on his back. His left hand was cut across the palm and there was a knife a few inches away. It was Sam’s knife. To complete the cure, Sam would have had to cut his hand. But it can’t be that. Dean had come to stop him. 

Dean kneeled as he slid across the floor. He cradled Sam’s head and lifted it to look into his face. He saw the features on that beautiful face, slack and unresponsive. He called to him. He shook him. He’s begging; he’s crying. 

He didn’t look hurt. Dean didn’t see any bruises or other cuts, no swelling. no blood. He must be unconscious; he must be. He shook him again, he slapped him. He wiped the sweat from his brow and brushed the hair from his face. “Wake up, Sammy.”, he begged.

He still thought it would be okay. He put his two fingers to his brother’s throat. There was no pulse and he wasn’t breathing. He tried mouth-to-mouth with no effect. Mouth-to mouth became a goodbye kiss.

He sat cradling Sam in his lap and cried out for help. He prayed to Castiel until his voice felt like sandpaper in his throat. And then he remembered, the angels had fallen. There was no one to help him and now his Sammy was dead.


	3. Chapter 3

He couldn’t tell, but he knew that time must be passing. And the more time that passed, the smaller his hopes of getting Sam back. He held his dead brother in his arms and looked down at his sweet face. He gently ran his fingers through the long brown hair, carefully picking out small bits of debris then smoothing it back into place. 

Cas had never answered him and if he ever saw him again, Dean swore a vengeance that was biblical. Even that would never be enough, he thought. He was supposed to get him back in time to stop Sam. He never should have left him alone. And for what? The angels were useless now.

Dean wiped his face roughly, smearing the combination of wet and dried tears mixed with dirt and dust on his skin. Then he lifted Sam and held him to his chest. He would sit like this, with Sam, forever, until death also came for him. In that instant, a thought occurred to him, so forcefully, that he was physically moved. 

He didn’t want to leave Sam, not even for a second, but, he feared, this may be his only chance to save him. He placed a kissed to his brother’s forehead and held it there. He closed his eyes and couldn’t understand how he still had tears to spill. 

He slowly lowered Sam to the floor. And for the first time, in as long as could remember, he had hope. 

Dean ran out of the church and into the rainy night. He rifled through the trunk and the glove box, shoving small items and pieces of plant matter and herbs into his pockets. He almost had a smile on his face. In his head, he dug through his memory for the correct incantation and mouthed the words as he prepared himself.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

The final step called for Dean to spill his blood into the mix as he said the words. He was on his knees with Sam beside him, a macabre re-enactment of countless similar occasions. Dean spoke the final words and waited. 

He heard his name spoken in that voice that always made him think of a Shakespearean actor. You could hear every letter of every word in the smooth rich tone and it flowed as if time was meaningless. It was hypnotic and soothing; he could feel it in his bones and it held on tight. There was a power in it like a siren’s song enticing a sailor. Dean could understand how someone might be drawn to him. 

“Dean, why did you summon me?”

“Give him back to me. Please, bring him back.” Dean’s voice was broken and weak. He kept his head bowed almost in supplication, an unconscious offering. 

“I presume you’ve already called your angel for help.”

Dean looked up. His lips were pressed together and his breath was released so forcefully it was audible. The rage and the anger were visible even in the red that began to appear on his skin. He spoke in a voice with a sound of ground glass.

“This is his fault. He was supposed to get me here in time….screw him.”

“Perhaps, my boy. In any event, God commanded this as the price to close the Gates. It can not be undone; not even by me.”

“But you’re Death!” Dean paused and stared as his last hope began to slip away. “Then kill me,” he said. “Take me to him. Please don’t make me beg but, I will Please, you can do this.”

“Most assuredly. However, that is my decision to make and it mustn't be so   
arbitrary. It’s not the answer nor is it the time.”

Dean’s anger and frustration were almost palpable and he released them through his words as he had no physical power. He stood as he spoke. His speech gaining volume with his stature. 

“If you tell me God works in mysterious ways or any of that crap, I swear,  
you will have to kill me.!”

Death’s smile was delivered with real sympathy and he slowly shook his head as he absently rubbed the head of his cane.

“Dean, I have an empathy for you which I find unsettling. I am truly sorry, my boy. I do wish there was something I could do for you. “

And then he was gone.


	4. Chapter 4

Castiel was unfamiliar with handling human emotions. But he was getting a crash course in pain and sorrow. He could still hear Dean’s prayers. He didn’t understand. Sam was dead? But that wasn’t possible; he had sent Dean, in time to stop his brother and save him. His thoughts were confused and unfocused. 

One thing, however, was clear. He must find Dean. Then he remembered, he had no grace. Heaven was shut down and the angels were cast out. He was unaware but, what he was now feeling was panic. He was helpless and Sam and Dean needed his help. What he needed was a phone. 

He searched his pockets until he found it. The glass was cracked, most likely from the fall, he thought, and the number pad was unresponsive. He held it between his two hands, for a few seconds and looked again. It was still broken. 

Although he didn’t know it, his next impulse was very human. He continued to rifle through his clothing to find another answer. He finally felt something in the lining of his suit jacket. He ripped it open at the seam and pulled out a small black wallet

 

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Dean stood in that spot, waiting. He didn’t know why. Sam was dead and he was told no one could change that. So, what was he supposed to do? No, he thought. What was he supposed to do until he found another answer? He would do his job and protect his little brother. .

Hell was on lockdown so, no demons could touch him. But, he still had to find a place to keep the body. The body? Sam was the body. The combination of those words made his head spin and he fell to his knees.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

The wallet had been a gift from the Winchesters. He opened it and removed a slip of paper and two hundred dollars. Sam said it was for emergencies; Dean used the term ‘mad money’. He remembered asking if that was what people did when they were angry. And he remembered how funny that had been to Sam and Dean. 

“Well,” he said out loud, “ I believe I am angry now and I will use this money to find Dean.”

Cas walked along the side of the road until he saw a sign indicating a rest stop was eighteen miles away. By then, he thought, he might need a rest. 

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Dean noticed that Sam’s skin color was changing and his features weren’t quite right. He also found that he still had tears. He held his brother’s face in his hands and spoke softly. “ I will find a way, baby boy. I promise.” Then he pressed their lips together, the coldness causing his breath to come out with a sob. 

He decided that Sam would be safest in the hallowed ground of the church and dug a hole behind the building. He chose a spot that would be shaded by trees during daylight.

He found a tarp and got rope from the trunk of the car. He kissed his brother one more time before he was done. He stood over the grave until it was too dark to see it. 

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

By the time he reached the rest stop, Castiel was hungry, thirsty and exhausted. He sat on a bench, outside the convenience store and poured a bottle of water down his parched throat. He dug in his pocket for the slip of paper, from the wallet, and used his brand new pre-paid phone to call Dean.


	5. Chapter 5

Something was pulling at his sleep. But Dean wasn't ready to let go. It was the same way he wanted to hold on to the warm body next to him. He was lying on his back and Sam was on his side with one arm resting on his brother. Dean lightly stroked Sam’s arm watching it rise and fall with his breathing. . 

Dean’s other arm was wrapped around his brother and he ran his fingers through thick brown hair, wiping the strays from his forehead, damp with sweat.

Dean could feel Sam's aroused interest as he cuddled closer. He pressed his lips to the sweet stickiness of his brother's forehead. Automatically, Sam tilted his face up to meet him. Dean began to suck on the skin and gripped Sam's head tighter as if to hold him in place. Sam laughed even as he reached up and playfully pushed Dean's shoulder to break contact. Then rubbing his forehead, to erase the mark, he returned to his previous position to go back to sleep.

Dean pulled his brother closer, and just as sleep was pulling him back, Sam said, "Dean, your phone. Answer your phone.”

His intent was to fling it across the room so they could go back to sleep or not. That thought made him smile and he reached out to grab his phone from the bedside table, when his hand hit something solid. Dean’s eyes shot open and he sat up to find himself alone in the back seat of the Impala. 

It was at this point that he would have given anything, done anything to be able to trade reality for the dream. He wiped his face with the t-shirt he had used for clean up , as he dug his phone from his pocket. 

“Dean, where are you?”

“Where am I? I’m burying my dead brother, you son of a bitch!” Dean's voice was just short of a growl and Cas realized that he felt afraid.

“Dean, please. I’m sorry…”

“I prayed to you, until I spit gravel. Where the hell were you, you bastard!”?” 

“I heard you.” Cas paused, expecting another outburst, But Dean was silent and this was more unsettling because he knew that when Dean stopped yelling, he was much more dangerous. He decided to take this opportunity to explain.

“I hear your prayers because I am bound to you. But everything else is silent. I have no power, no grace. The angels are scattered and damaged. Dean….”

“Shut up Cas; just shut up. I don’t care about any of that. But, this is your fault. I left Sam to help you. And now.. ” Dean couldn’t say it again. He took a big breath in and blew it out slowly before he continued. “You fix it or the next time I see you, I will kill you.”

“Dean, please, I am sorry. I will be there…..” Cas heard the click as Dean hung up.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Castiel almost redialed the number until he realized that it would be pointless. Obviously, Dean did not welcome his attempt at comfort. But how was he or anyone able to help Dean deal with losing his brother.? He feared what self destructive and reckless actions would appeal to him. He would be on his own with no one to ground him and no purpose. And where would he go? How could he find him? 

Cas himself prayed. He didn’t have a god or even other angels to help him. He could only think to pray to Dean, himself, to do the right thing. He prayed that Dean would find his way home. And with that, Castiel made up his mind to find his way to Lebanon, Kansas.


	6. Chapter 6

Dean had no idea how many hours he had been driving. However, he saw that the sky was darkening and knew that he left the church close to sunrise. He saw a small roadhouse up ahead, to his left, with only a few cars in the lot. 

He wasn’t hungry. What little he had eaten was drive-thru, the remnants scattered across the front seat. But, he was tired and needed a break and decided that he needed a drink. 

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Having decided on a plan, Castiel now had only to figure out how to get it done. He knew he could travel by bus and he had the money to pay for it. He was also pretty sure that he was no where near a bus stop. 

He looked towards the picnic tables at the far end of the rest stop. He saw an older man seated there and accompanied by his unflappable faith in the kindness of strangers, he walked over to ask for help.

The man looked up when he heard Cas’ footsteps on the gravel and he smiled. 

“Hello, young man. Care to join us?” 

Cas was a little uneasy since the man was alone at the table. He thought that perhaps there was something supernatural happening. Maybe some kind of ghost or spirit. He smiled and thanked the man as he cautiously took a seat. 

Within just a few seconds, a woman walked out of the rest room and approached the table. The man introduced her as his wife. They offered to share their food, a plastic container filled with fruit. They talked as they ate.

“I’m trying to get to Lebanon,” was Cas’ answer when asked where he was headed.

The couple looked at each other then back to their guest and the husband asked, “Why do you want to go there? If you don’t mind my asking”

“My friend, Dean, his home base is there.”

“Oh,” The wife reached out and placed her hand on Cas’ arm and smiled. ”So, he’s a serviceman.”

Cas copied her smile and nodded. “He does provide a valuable service. Helping people and hunting things.”

The husband became very interested. “What is he, a sniper, some kind of sharpshooter?”

“ Dean is an excellent shot and I was hoping to catch a bus and meet him at the bunker”

Now, the couple looked at Cas with concern. The wife squeezed his arm, a little tighter, as a show of support. 

The husband spoke softly as he slowly shook his head, “Son, you can’t take a bus to the Middle East.”

Cas felt his insides tighten. He was suddenly afraid that he would not be able to reach Dean. Then a thought struck him. “I was under the impression that Kansas was in the middle west.”

The couple laughed to the point of tears. Castiel was at a loss. He was, however, used to being in this situation and knew his part to play was to simply be patient and let it pass. 

Speaking through the last of his laughter, the husband turned to his wife and said, “Lebanon, Kansas, honey, he’s going to Lebanon, Kansas.” Then he turned to Cas and said, “In that case, how about a ride to the bus depot?”


	7. Chapter 7

Dean should have stopped drinking an hour ago. He didn’t have anywhere to be or anyone who cared, as far as he knew, but, he still had to be able to get himself back to his car. 

Dean slipped another twenty on the top of the bar and signaled for one more drink. He turned his head too quickly and had to grab the edge of the bar with one hand to steady himself.

“You okay, dude?”

Dean didn’t answer. The young man reached out and touched Dean, who, in response, jerked away and glared.The young man raised both hands, smiling. He said, “No harm, looked like you could use a friend, that’s all.”

Dean turned back to his drink, swallowed it down in one gulp and slid off the barstool. His left knee buckled as he lost his balance. His head was spinning, his eyes couldn’t focus and all he knew, for sure, was that he was being held up by two big, strong arms. He closed his eyes and those big, strong arms wrapped around him and pulled him close.

And Dean just let it happen.

“How ‘bout we get you some fresh air, bro?” Dean heard the question, even as, he felt himself being guided out of the place. With one big strong arm around his waist and his own arm around a stranger’s shoulder.

And Dean just let it happen.

Once outside, Dean took a step towards the Impala. He felt himself being held back, just a little bit. “My car,” he said.

“That yours? Can’t let you get behind the wheel of that baby in this condition. How about we walk it off, some?”

Dean felt the hand squeeze his waist and turn him away from the parking lot and around to the side of the building. 

And Dean just let it happen.

After a slight stumble, the young man leaned Dean up against the wall  
and suggested they take a break. With one hand on the wall near Dean’s head, he leaned in close and whispered, “Let me put a smile on that beautiful face.”

Dean huffed, understanding the words if not the intent. He felt a hand brush his face and slide down his neck. His breath quickened and he reached out to grip the fabric of the young man’s shirt. 

He could feel a gentle pressure as the stranger used his lips and tongue to nip and suck at his throat and jaw. He felt the hand moving down his chest, briefly stopping as the fingers sought out his nipple and squeezed. Dean moaned involuntarily.

Then he felt a tug on his jeans as the young man’s fingers slipped into Dean’s waistband and the thumb worked with them to open the top button. 

And Dean just let it happen.

This was a stranger and Dean didn’t want this, not really. But, he did want the feeling of big strong hands on his skin and the intimacy of warm breath and whispers. Dean wiped his face, unaware of the tears until he felt the wetness on his fingers.

“Who did this to you? Let me make it good for you, baby boy.”

The young man spoke these words as he pulled down Dean’s zipper and reached in to stroke him. 

“Baby boy,” Dean repeated.

And Dean just couldn’t let this happen. 

With both hands, Dean pushed the young man and keeping his hands up, he said, “Get away from me.” He spoke without emotion and seemingly to no one, in particular. The young man took a step back. 

Dean roughly rubbed his hands across his face and then through his hair while he turned his head to look directly at the stranger. “Go!”, he shouted. It startled the young man and he turned to walk away. He spoke over his shoulder, “Your loss, pretty boy.”

Dean leaned back against the wall and felt his stomach turn. He vomited so forcefully, bringing up nothing but liquid, that he was almost brought to his knees. When it was done, he wiped his mouth with his shirtsleeve and sobbed. “Sammy, Sammy, Sammy.” 

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx 

Cas made the connection to the local bus that would take him to his final destination and took out his phone. He wanted to call Dean but he was unsure and maybe even a little afraid. He unfolded the scrap of paper from the wallet, to find the number, and made a call. He reached Kevin’s voicemail and, unprepared, he left a message. 

“I need a ride from the bus station.”

He called back three more times.

“This is Cas. I will arrive at the bus station in two hours.”

“The bus station in Lebanon.”

“The one in Kansas.”

After some time, he received a text. “OK.”

And he responded, “I’ll just wait here, then.”

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Cas had a couple of hours worth of bus ride until he met up with Kevin. So, he closed his eyes and soon fell asleep. 

He found himself in a dark room, crowded with people. Although he couldn’t see any of their faces, he knew these were not strangers. He felt secure within this group but, still there was anxiety and confusion.

Then there was a small, narrow beam of light. It was like the sunlight through a slightly opened window. And suddenly, no one was afraid. In an instant, the light exploded into the room and Cas realized it wasn’t a room at all. 

“What is this place?”, he asked, as he watched the others scatter like kids on the last day of school .

At that moment, the bus driver’s announcement woke Cas from his sleep.   
“Next stop, Lebanon.”


	8. Chapter 8

Dean was lost, his heart and soul were floundering; he had no anchor. He leaned his head against the Impala for a few minutes before he fished his keys from his pocket to unlock the door. The cool metal did little to ease the pounding in his brain. And he said, to himself, what he always said on mornings like this, “Never again.”

As he slid into the driver’s seat, he saw that he was still disheveled and made a half-hearted attempt to correct his appearance. He was disgusted with himself for what had happened, or almost happened, with that stranger. He then put his head back and closed his eyes as he absently caressed the steering wheel. 

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

“Dean?”, Sam paused, unsure if his brother was awake. He waited until he heard the “hmm?”

“What are you thinking about?”

As if anticipating that exact question, Dean had his answer ready.  
“Gettin’ you into the backseat of this car.”

Surprised by his brother’s unexpected response, Sam’s laughter burst out of him. Dean turned and watched Sam throw his head back. Dean felt this laugh. It was joyous and he was responsible for it and, to his great pleasure, the sole beneficiary. 

He admired the smooth, creamy skin of his brother’s long neck, mesmerized by the movement of his adam’s apple in its tiny up and down dance. 

Sam looked at Dean, his eyes shining, the color shifting with the light of the sun. His fresh scrubbed face and unruly mop of hair made him look even younger than eighteen.

Dean reached out to touch and Sam slid himself across the seat, leading with his head, as if even these few seconds were too long to wait.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

“What the hell, dude, a bus?”

“I have lost my grace and as for hell, we can discuss that later.”

Kevin merely shook his head as they made their way to his car. He knew conversations with Cas very rarely travelled in a straight line. He continued to bombard the angel with questions which was difficult for Cas to follow. His mind was filled with thoughts of the Winchesters and still disturbed by his strange dream. 

“Have you heard from Sam and Dean? I must’ve called a hundred times.”

“Sam is dead and Dean is…..”

Cas’ speech was interrupted as his thoughts turned to hanging on for dear life. Kevin had pulled off the road and stopped so abruptly, that he had almost ejected Cas from the car and hit his own head on the door frame.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

The sound of a car horn brought Dean back to himself. He watched the traffic and thought of all those people busy with their day to day lives. He imagined them going back and forth to work and school, totally unaware of people like him. 

They would go home to their loved ones, many of them never realizing how precious a gift that was. Dean thought again of Sam and he was angry, But, he was angry with himself. He was wasting time and he had work to do. 

Dean rubbed his eyes and stretched by reaching backwards over his seat. He could feel his stomach muscles pull and realized he was hungry. He started the car. 

First, he would get something to eat and then, he would head home and get to work.


	9. Chapter 9

Cas was very close to hyperventilating and Kevin was still rubbing the side of his head where it had banged against the window. 

“What do you mean Sam is dead?” The pitch of his voice was so high, that Kevin had a split second concern for the integrity of the car windows.

Cas explained that the Trials were created to require the ultimate sacrifice. They hadn’t known until Naomi told them. She had seen it on the Angel Tablet. It was a true test of faith. And there was no undoing it.

“And what about Dean.?” Kevin asked, cautiously. 

“I sent him to help Sam but, it was too late. And now I don’t know what he’s going to do. He’s angry and he blames me. I believe this is very difficult for him. Sam and Dean, that relationship is…...complicated.”

Kevin smiled at the angel’s obvious discomfort. “Dude, we all know the epic love story. And if I know Dean, he won’t stop until he finds a way. And we’re gonna help him. We’ve still got the Demon Tablet. I say we head back to the bunker. He’ll come home; that’s what Dean will do.” 

Kevin pulled the car back on to the road. On the way, he heard about how the angels were cast out of heaven and how the Gates of Hell were now closed forever. But, somehow, that didn’t seem quite so important anymore. 

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Dean heard the little bell ring as he opened the door of the diner. He held that door, just a second, too long and barely caught himself as he started to look over his shoulder as if expecting someone to be there. 

He stepped in and scanned the room as he always did. It would take time, he thought, to get used to the fact that the world was different now. 

There was a counter and a row of those little seats on long legs that Sam hated. It wasn’t the chairs, so much, as the fact that Dean called them “Sammy seats”. And each time, he would either explain that it was because they were built like him or he would ask Sam “weren’t you the model for these things?”

Dean rubbed his left arm, an unconscious reaction to an imaginary punch. 

He turned away from the counter and took a seat at a small table by the window where he could see the parking lot. He really didn’t want to eat alone, today.  
‘   
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

The last few miles were ridden in silence. Neither Kevin nor Cas was able to put his thoughts into words, They were determined to do whatever they could to help the Winchesters. But, they were both afraid of what would happen if Dean couldn’t get his brother back. 

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Dean walked down the stairs. He thought he heard voices and his breath caught in his throat. He thought , for just one moment, that it might be Sam. But how could that be? His brother was dead, “for now”, he said out loud. Heaven was off limits and he couldn’t even count on Hell, any more. But, he was determined and he would find a way.

Kevin walked out of the library and when he saw Dean, he stopped. His eyes traveled up the staircase looking for the missing part of this picture. 

“Dean,” he said. “Cas told me what happened. I’m sorry. What ever you need, you know.”

Dean merely shook his head. He couldn’t think of anything to say. He bit his lower lip and closed his eyes. He brought his hand up and squeezed the bridge of his nose. He heard his name, in a deep familiar voice. His head snapped up; he pressed his lips together and glared.

“What the hell are you doing here, Cas? I told you..’ Dean took a step into the room and Kevin blocked his path.


	10. Chapter 10

Kevin put his hands to Dean’s chest. He knew he couldn’t really stop him. But Dean did stop; now he had to figure out what to say. 

“Dean, we just want to help. But, it’s late and we’re all tired. How about we get some sleep and do this in the morning?” Kevin had wanted to be forceful but he sounded like he was asking permission. 

Dean picked up his bags and turned to leave the room. He took one step then raised an arm and pointed towards Cas, however, he looked to Kevin as he spoke. “I don’t want him here in the morning.”

Neither Kevin nor Cas made a move or a sound, possibly not even a breath until they heard a door slam.

“Dean is angry; he blames me. Perhaps, I should go..” Cas said.

“ You’re not too bright are you? He was there and couldn’t save him. Dean blames himself. Sam was everything to him. He needs us now to help him fix this. “

Cas looked down at his feet as he spoke. “I don’t believe there is any way to fix this.”

“Then we keep trying until he tells us to stop. And if we can’t fix it, then we fix him.” Kevin paused. He meant what he was saying’ “Now, go find yourself a room as far from Dean as possible and I’ll see you in the morning.”

Kevin went back into the library. He was proud of himself and although he was tired, he had even been able to talk himself into working just a little bit longer. 

Cas walked towards the kitchen. He remembered having seen a small room where he could get some rest. He thought of the last thing Kevin had said to him “Haven’t you ever loved someone?”

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Dean leaned, with his back against the door. He looked around the room; Sam had never really claimed it but, Dean could feel his brother here. He placed the bags on the desk and picked up a hoodie that was thrown over the chair. He sat down on the bed with the sweatshirt still in his hands. 

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Cas lay in bed; his brain churning with emotions. He had a new understanding of how difficult it was to be human. But he did understand how it felt to love someone. 

Castiel fell in love with Dean the first time he spoke to him. “You don’t think you deserve to be saved.” He saw the damaged and blackened soul as Dean questioned his own worth. He couldn’t see the light and the beauty he possessed as Michael’s True Vessel and the angel was touched by this.

He realized how important his mission was, how special his charge, Dean Winchester. He would protect him, he would revere him, he would love him. 

With these thoughts in his head. Cas soon fell asleep. 

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Dean was bone tired but sleep was out of the question. He needed answers and somewhere in these books and papers and bits of Sam’s thinking, he was determined to find it. Or he’d die trying, he thought. Either way, they would be back together.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Dean checked his watch, again. “How long does it take to find one death certificate”, he muttered to himself. Then he looked up at the library door. He saw the light reflected on the glass and then a change in the angle, as the door opened and Sam walked out.

Dean was surprised, at his own thought, of how the sun on his brother’s hair looked like a halo and his eyes shined, the colors like a prism. The feeling warmed him and then Sam smiled. 

He watched his brother bound down the steps, his long stride managing two, sometimes three, at a time. Dean laughed at the way Sam waved the paper in the air and all thoughts of work dissolved away into thoughts of something else.

Besides, he thought, the guy’s already dead, what’s another hour... or two? 

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Kevin pored over the books; he read and re-read. He ran his hand over the symbols on the tablet until the skin on his fingertips was red and tender. His eyes were dry and, try as he might, the drops couldn’t ease the scratchy feeling.

He wasn’t thinking clearly anymore and knew he should get some sleep. But, Sam and Dean needed his help. He decided to work just a little bit longer.


	11. Chapter 11

It was a beautiful day. The sun was warm and although it was bright, Cas found that he was able to look right into it. And the sky was perfectly clear, a color of blue not seen anywhere else, he was sure. 

The others were running further and further away from him. He had a feeling that he knew where they were all going and he wanted to be with them. He started after them.

He saw them run through a doorway, or a gate, or a tunnel; he wasn’t really sure. All he knew was that there was something wonderful in there and he was part of it.

He approached the entrance and it was blocked. He couldn’t see what was in his way but, he wasn’t afraid. A familiar voice spoke to him.

“I’m sorry, Castiel. We can’t let you in, you’ve lost your ticket. “

“Please. I’ll buy another. I must get in.”

“It has a great price.”

Castiel was willing to pay anything, he said. He must get in. He has a memory of being in this place, and it was wonderful. He remembers being happy and useful. He asked again what he must do.

“It will cost you everything. And if you decide to come in, you will be here forever. Are you willing to give up everything?”

Just as he was about to answer, Castiel awoke with a start. He was drenched in sweat and for some reason he was afraid.

 

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

The angels had found a way. Heaven was no longer closed to them. They would all return and a plan would be put in place to close it for all time. 

The faithful would always gain entrance but, no one would ever leave again. The Gates of Hell were closed forever because of the Winchesters, and in some small way, Castiel. It was no longer necessary to have such a presence on earth.

And although he was instrumental in the fall, and many felt unworthy, Castiel had always believed he was protecting his home and family. And so, for this, they would give him a gift, the greatest gift, a choice.

Castiel could go home , with all the angels, with a return of his grace or, he could remain on earth, as a human.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxs

Castiel walked into the kitchen to get himself a glass of water. His dream had upset him and he couldn’t understand why. It was beautiful and everyone was happy. It would cost him everything, he was told. Why should that upset him? He had nothing to lose. 

Dean was at the table and looked up when Cas walked in. They looked at each other; neither one spoke, at first. Cas turned to leave.

“Please stay.” Dean’s voice was raspy and sounded broken. 

Cas walked into the room and sat across from his friend. “I’m sorry”, he said and it felt so inadequate. He saw the redness in Dean’s eyes and he looked so tired and beaten. Dean was the strongest person he knew and he was falling apart, right in front of him. 

“What if I can’t get him back? What am I gonna do?”

Now Cas became the stronger and said everything he could think of to convince Dean that they would find an answer and he wouldn’t be alone. A thought came to him. Is this what it feels like when you lose everything? 

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

It was some time before they each went back to bed. Cas found that he was unable to go back to sleep. He could only think of Dean and how to help him. Without Sam, he was untethered and anyone else would be a poor substitute. He knew that. 

He looked up, surprised when he heard the door open to his tiny room. He sat up and opened the covers, his intention was to get out of bed. But, Dean climbed in beside him. 

Cas wrapped his arms around him and Dean did the same. He rested his head on Cas’ shoulder and held on tight. Cas began to stroke Dean’s hair and kissed the top of his head. He murmured affection and comfort, uneasy with his own feelings and unsure of Dean’s.

It was then that Dean looked into Cas’ face and brought one hand up to touch it. Cas closed his eyes and tilted his head to lean heavily into the touch. Dean drew him closer as he leaned in and kissed him. Castiel felt a fire, on the inside. His breath caught in his throat and he thought he would pass out from lack of oxygen. 

But then, he was breathing again. He was breathing Dean. He could feel his lips and tongue. He could taste him. He felt his hands all over him even as he was touching Dean. It was too much yet, not enough and it was glorious. 

Eventually, they fell asleep in other’s arms.


	12. Chapter 12

Cas was standing again at the entrance of this beautiful place. He turned around and, far in the distance, he saw Dean. 

“Are you ready to pay for your ticket and come home?”

Cas turned back around when he heard the question. And now he understood what was to be done. He had been given a choice and it had become an easy one. It would cost him everything, he was told, and now, he realized he was more than willing to pay. 

He turned to look at Dean, one more time, and smiled. He gave his answer. He said ‘yes”.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Cas awoke with an uneasy feeling . He was alone and there was a small tightness in his chest, making his breathing short and shallow. He sat up and brought his hand to his chest as if he could control the beating of his heart. It was an odd sense of panic. He stretched out his arm and felt the warmth of the sheets. “Dean”, he said.

Then he remembered and then he smiled but, he knew time was short. 

Dean would most probably be in the kitchen. He leaned back against the headboard and brought his knees to his chest, hugging himself and his body protested, just a little, from top to bottom. He cringed at the feeling and it felt good at the same time.

“Dean” he said again. He would go find Dean. But he wouldn’t be in the kitchen doing ordinary things. Not this morning. This wasn’t an ordinary day. 

It was ‘the morning after’. Cas had heard the phrase many times but, it had never made sense. Wasn’t every day the morning after something? Today, however, he understood. It wasn’t the ‘morning’ so much as the ‘after’. Or rather, the before. 

Before he became human. Before last night. Before Dean came to him with a need for physical comfort. Before he could express his love by giving Dean all of himself. Before he truly understood what it felt like to be in love and what it must be like to lose it. 

And before he learned how wonderful it was to give it. 

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx 

Dean smiled when he heard Cas say good morning. They moved toward each other. Cas held out his hand and Dean took it. 

“I love you, Dean.”

Dean reached up, with his other hand, and softly brushed the angel’s cheek with his fingers. Cas heard him say, “I love you, too.” Anyone else, would have heard, “I know.”

Cas raised his right hand and, with his first two fingers, touched Dean lightly on the forehead as he, himself, felt the pull taking him back home.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Dean was still screaming Cas’ name when he found himself back at the church and it was raining. He felt the cool metal of the Impala and he knew that Sam was still there. It took just a piece of a second to make the connection that told him that he had gotten there in time. 

Just as quickly, he turned his attention back to the church. He ran through the door and saw Sam. He was holding a knife, dripping with blood and there was a cut on his left palm. Dean watched his brother take a step toward the chair where Crowley was seated, his back to Dean. 

He yelled out, “Sammy, stop!”


End file.
